Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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