don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
