You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
