eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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