Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
