My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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