Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
