Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
