I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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