the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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