Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
