I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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