i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
