3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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