i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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