Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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