I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
