why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
