Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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