Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
