does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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