you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
