The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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