he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
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honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
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It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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