I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Randomize
