I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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