I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
They have beer where we have blood.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
