It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
