I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
