Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
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I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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