her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I currently don't understand fingers.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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