Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
