69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
