she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
