If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
