I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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