Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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