John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
