before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.