I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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