I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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