I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
