She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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