Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
