I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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