Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
