dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
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If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
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I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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