My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
