so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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