There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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