he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
