you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
