Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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