No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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