Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
