my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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