I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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