im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
